The Intimate Five

It's just you and me

All of the intimate styles tend to gravitate to one-on-one relationships. In the case of the intimate Five, the relationship is often one of shared secrecy. It's you and me against or at least without the rest of the world.

In the case of the intimate Five, part of the focus on the partner is parsimony. "I only have enough emotional juice for one person." The other person becomes the focus of attention, but also the only place to put the precious resource of time and affection. There is not much, so they don't waste it on anybody other than the chosen one.

Because Fives live in their head (remember Descartes, "I think, therefore I am") a primary way of showing affection is sharing secrets. While everyone else in the world is kept at arms length and privacy is an obsession, Fives can share everything with this one person.

Sometimes sharing information can actually replace sexual intimacy. Sex, Lies and Videotape is an old movie that has stood the test of time. It may seem a bit kinky to some because James Spader plays an intimate Five who substitutes video taping girls talking about sex but does not have sex with them. The movie is an Enneagram clinic and Spader nails the dynamic of an intimate subtype Five.

Fives have a general fear of being overwhelmed by the demands of others. They are acutely aware of their emotional poverty, feeling unable to meet the expectations and desires of others. So when an intimate Five falls in love, there is often an accompanying fear of being owned. The relationship can feel like a contract with terms they can't meet.

Like everyone, Fives want to be loved, but they also fear being loved because they understand that love and affection can only be repaid by love and affection. Their central fear is around the difficulty of adequate emotional response.

However, if an intimate Five can become confident of their ability to respond, then they can make wonderful spouses and lovers because they focus all their attention on the one they love. Like someone on a strict budget, they do not waste their resources on impulse or adventure.