Intimate Nine

Living Through

With the intimate Nine subtype, the general tendency of style Nine to merge with the plans and agendae of others becomes focused on a partner. The intimate Nine will tend to almost "live through" the romantic partner or close friend or parent/child. Within style Nine the danger is not getting what they want because they prefer to do what others want in order to get along. When this energy is focused on the partner, the relationship becomes all important and the Nine can lose her own volition and direction.

When not in a relationship, much of their energy may be devoted to finding one. Lacking inner direction, they may seek someone to give them purpose and focus. Because Nines have a natural modesty that they can push too far into "I don't count," they may rely too heavily on the partner, either glorifying the partner and expanding on their virtues and talents or they may be angry that the partner is not enabling them to have a life.

Nines will often stay too long in an unhealthy relationship because they allow the partner to create and enforce the unspoken rules of the relationship. The intimate Nine assumes those rules are necessary for the partner and because they are not aware of their own needs, they go along to get along-sometimes for an amazing number of years. I once heard a Nine at an Enneagram conference say she had wanted a divorce for 41 years!

Some Nines can be prone to jealousy. They so identify with the relationship with their partner that any other relationship the partner has seems like a violation. When the Nine loses himself in the relationship it is threatening to have any other dynamic involved.

Because Nines are easily satisfied, they can settle for too little in a relationship and then be disappointed. When this happens they can become fickle, looking for fulfillment -looking for someone else to bring them to life. The fickleness is a form of passive aggression. Instead of insisting on what they need from their partner, they just drift into a different person's life.